LADY LANZIE

lanzie @ 2006-11-30T11:37:00

2006-11-30T15:37:21Z

in response to liza's most recent entry...i feel the same. except i feel as though everyone else grew up while i wasnt looking and im still stuck in my la-la land. too much effort needs to be put into my life to meet expectations. thats probably why i smoke so much..to get away from expectations. im LOOKING for happiness, when nothing is going to come to me unless i make it. if u want soemthing done you have to do it yourself. everyone grew up behind my back, and i gotta catch up on my own. i just feel like im in this alone, and no one really ever understands.

lanzie @ 2006-06-01T13:50:00

2006-06-01T17:50:06Z

being home so far has been amazing. summer love, summer personalities, and summer people are slowly emerging. im having a blast.

i leave for brazil tomorrow night. i know im nervous. but im so excited. i think im going to have the best time ever. mia is my best friend. its going to be incredible.

angelina jolie is extraordinarily beautiful.

i got my manicure a week ago and it hasnt chipped. impressive.

62 and fair.

2006-05-06T12:39:18Z

today i checked the weather on my computer. its automatically set up to show me boston weather, because i havent changed it to new york weather. this made me sad to see i'd be missing a day in boston that was going to be 65 and sunny. it also made me sad to have to change the zip code so that for the next 4 months it automatically shows me new york weather. i guess we're really home, guys.

the mark of cain.

2006-05-05T15:55:53Z

so yesterday was possibly the worst day ever. ok, maybe not the WORST, but it was pretty fucking bad. until i saw emerson people, and spoke to my favorite red head in the world.

it sucks feeling cheap and used. thats how i feel because thats what he did. there was no surprise, that was just to get me there. there was no fresh blunt, instead there was a clip the size of my pinky nail, and that got me angry. which, in turn, lit him on fire. ive never seen him that mad, and hes never yelled at me that loudly. the day ended in silence, and a cab ride back home after only an hour. and now im walking around with a huge hickey on my neck, that i can only associate with being like the mark of cain. why do i continue to see this kid, if im always getting hurt? why cant i take the advice of my best friends, and why cant i see what they see? jesus, this kid has only brought me trouble. and i know he doesnt care about me as much as i care about him, which makes me feel used.

i think this summer, i wont be with him, cause we were going to be together for the summer. i think this summer i need to surround myself with my rye girls, emersonians, and the occasional moe hoe. ill see kyle, and ill see matt. i dont have to dwell on past relationships (raff, and others included) to pretend to be happy. i know what and who makes me happy, and thats what im going to do and who im going to see. i have no problem sitting in my room, smoking a blunt and listening to music by myself. i have no problem going up to vermont for a weekend by myself, or with some other fun kids. i dont have to be around people who used to make me happy, because i think that maybe they still will, or even can. im a new person after my freshman year. i listen to new music, and i like new things. i know people like tillie and blair will walk into my room and see my posters up and make fun of me. or they'll try to play music on my computer or ipod and ask what kinda shit i have on there. ill laugh in there faces. i dont need their approval anymore. i dont need his approval anymore. im so content with who i have become that i just say fuck it. who are they anyway? quite frankly, i dont think ill have them over as much anyway. my summer buddies are definately mia and julia, my emersons, and obviously mark.

it still hasnt hit me that its actually summer. but ill get used to it when everyone else gets home. and ill be able to start fresh. once this mark of cain on my neck goes away, i can look at myself and smile.

home.

2006-05-04T05:49:24Z

so, im home. damn it feels good. 2 hours upon arrival i was already fighting with my mom, and helping my sisters with homework. it was perfection. i unpacked a little, (but not all, it will take me at least a week), and watched the new episode of lost (WHICH I SHAT MYSELF OVER), and went to marks house cause josh was there, and came home and talked to raff, and now im sitting on my BIG bed, typing away because we have newly installed wireless (its a little late for it, i know), and im just so pleasant. content even, for the first time in a while. as much as i love liza, its great being alone at night (im sure she'd agree). and ive got iron&wine on, and im STRAIGHT CHILLIN, and its amazing. i couldnt be happier.

vermont is in 4 days. im so excited. me, lori, mark, and britt. EPISODES GLORE!! and plenty of liquor to go around. i cant wait to be on the open road on the way up to vt. its so peaceful there. it will be the best 5 days ive had in a long time.

until later, funLove.

ilana mae.

best hair.

2006-04-27T16:22:09Z

we really are too close for comfort. the funny thing with our group of friends is we're so overly close, that we feel as though its ok to be assholes to our best friends. we treat each other like fucking toys. you cant use me when you need to and throw me away for another rainy day. stop thinking its ok to walk all over people. stop being such fucking bitches. i havent said anything to you, ever. dont you dare give me reason to.

in other news, home in a week with my girls. im so excited to see alana and mia (the two girlies who DONT take me for granted). jesus, i guess i'll always just be "best hair" to emerson people. i need to get back to my element, where "best hair" is worth something.

in a few days...

2006-04-25T00:24:43Z

in acting movement class today, grant alexander mcderment made me endlessly cry. it only started when he did a sequence about his relationship with his father, and then everything he performed after that was so incredibly moving i was brought to tears again and again. it just seems as though im coming to a point in my life when i dont really know where im going or what im doing anymore. i dont have a sense as to who i really am, and who i really want to be. im unaware of who i can trust, who i love most, and whos friendship i honestly value enough.

im at a crossroads. i feel as though i can go either right or left, and there is no correct direction to move. yesterday someone told me that my chosen profession was not going to get me very far in life. but if its what i love to do, who's to say it wont get me anywhere? and im sick of the circular rotation that is emerson. its class, hanging out, playing music, DH, class, parties, class. i cant honestly say i havent bought into the repitition, because i have. its comforting. but, IN A FEW DAYS, i just cant wait to go home, get in my car and explore. i want to see whats happened in year. i want to look at my sisters and see how they've grown. i want to re-memorize the wrinkles next to my mothers eyes and on her hands. i want to sit on my back porch and stare at the sky. i want to walk down the city streets with no direction. i want to listen to every song in my fathers collection of cds, because i want to know him. i want to understand him and everything he is. i want to brush alex's hair, and see her in her school play. i need to start appreciating the little things in life.

L.I.F.E.I.S.B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!! cant everyone see that! WE ARE LIVING!!! we have oxygen rushing through our veins at miles a minute just to keep us awake! we breathe air, and feel the sun, and taste water, and smell rain, and see things. we can see things. this life is all we have and we spend it talking about mindless bull shit and dressing up for parties!! we are fucking alive! and i havent realized until now that i havent been LIVING. i havent been appreciating what i have. i have so much. im one of the luckiest people i know. who am i to make jokes about homeless people, or people of other races, or even my peers. i am not better than them, just because of what i have. why did it take me so long to realize that i am so god damn lucky!! and why havent i been able to appreciate what i have been given? handed to me! i didnt have to even work for anything i have. im a selfish bitch, and that has to change. i cant rely on my parents for support anymore, althought thats what i want more than anything. i cant rely on it anymore, because i am going to 19 years old this summer, and im going to be living in an apartment next year, and im going to be in europe for 4 months alone, and im going to have to start taking care of myself. this life is not a game. and we seem to take advantage of the fact that we breathe. as the buds are growing back onto the trees outside, i feel as though i am growing with them. i know that i have to change. i know what i have to do. the appreciation of this life seems like a miniscule thing to do. but to me, it seems like a job i will have to work on for the rest of my life.

clarity.

2006-04-20T01:02:18Z

CLARITY - by jimmy eat world.
I'll take your words as if you were talking to me.
Say what I know you'll say and say it through your teeth.

Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
Now in the deep and down, I don't know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better,
Will I know when it can be us?
Wait for something better.
Maybe that doesn't mean us.
Wait for something better,
I shouldn't, it's not enough.
Pull one excuse from another.

And with pride keep every failure in.
And with pride hold on to your thinking.

Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
Now in the deep and down, I don't know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better,
Will I know when it can be us?
Wait for something better.
Maybe that doesn't mean us.
Wait for something better,
I shouldn't, it's not enough.
Pull one excuse from another.
Just one excuse from another.
This time it means us. stop.

j.e.w. is always my favorite. i love them. they have a song for every emotion ever. they never let me down.

lanzie @ 2006-04-18T14:12:00

2006-04-18T18:16:07Z

i wish i could predict the future. i wish i had the power to make pain go away. i wish i could erase ignorance from the face of the earth. i wish i was able to make him understand, without getting verbally beaten. i wish i had the power to go back in time, and make everything right. i wish i could fly. i wish i was able to break free, and forget. i wish i had the power to give him what he wants. i wish i could do a lot of things that i cant. i feel powerless, and its frustrating. i feel let down, and impotent. i feel lonely.

lanzie @ 2006-04-17T22:10:00

2006-04-18T02:10:57Z

god damn, shits gotten weird. i just keep my head up, and hope i get through tomorrow alive. its egg shells now. in every aspect of my life. i have to watch what i say, and where i step with everyone. which i guess i should have done from the beginning. i just felt so comfortable here, and i put all my faith in people before i got to know them/incurred their "wrath". i just think that its time to take a step back and assess.

the prospect of an older brother seems more realistic than what i wanted prior. its just my way of dealing. i think it will work better for me this way. it seems that ill be able to steady myself easier.

raff over-reacted today, and i think hes out of control. hes finding every excuse to gain the power in our relationship, because it was me that had it for so long. he'll do anything for it, even if it means depriving himself of intimicy, hes all about the power. "the person who cares the least has the most power" i need to stop caring.

kyle mo' fuckin delaney has re-entered my life. and im obsessed. he covered a lot of firsts in my life, and im so happy we talk now. it seems right, at least for this summer.

i am newly obsessed with iron&wine. they are really really good.

la voce che incanta - if anyone knows what this means, please tell me.

i think tonight calls for an episode of lost, and early to bed. until next time..

FunLove,
me.

lanzie @ 2006-04-15T22:02:00

2006-04-16T02:14:38Z

this weekend will go down in history as the lamest weekend everr! theres either nothing to do, or nothing i am interested in doing. i can not wait for home and vermont. amazinggg-ness.

so much shit is going on. i broke into tears at lunch with maggie yesterday because it seems like i cant ever do anything right. whatever i do, i'll be hurting someone, just because of the situation im in. it just sucks. i wish i could fly away. brazil would be nice...right about....now!

70 and sunny

2006-04-12T20:08:07Z

im so into matisyahu right now. hes so good.

i should start a quote file. ive been getting great quotes lately, and i want to be able to save them all. like this one:

"a revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having" - v for vendetta.

LIFE without dancing is a life not worth living, but that could be politically incorrect.

mark and i cleared things up yesterday. but i still wont be able to ever tell him what i think i should. he asked me if someday i would be able to fully confide in him, and i said "yea, some day" i wonder when that day will come.

lena asked me where i was living next year, and it was the first time i was able to say "cambridge". it was amazing. im so pleased we finally found a place.

i cant wait for this summer. it will probably be the best summer of my life. the first week ill be in vermont, with everyone that im fully in love with. then ill be working, trying to save money for brazil. then its alex's bat mitzvah, which ill just be crying all weekend. then ill fly to brazil with mia 3 weeks, and i cant fucking wait. that girl understands me better than anyone i know, and through everything, shes stayed my best friend. although we didnt live in the same place ever, and had other friends, we've always been there for each other. its going to be so nice to just be with her for 3 weeks and explore a new place while we re-connect after our freshman year of college. after brazil is moe hoe season III. its going to be a shit show. hopefully blair will give in and come back for a third summer. if not, its me tillie and alana, which will be just as good. raff and i will be together, and i have the emerson family all within driving distance. ive also come to appreciate my alone time, which i will take advantage of this summer. i realize i dont have to be socializing all the time. there will be nights that i wont host the parties, and i wont be going anywhere. its just as nice to get high by myself, and sit in my room enjoying the mix jackie rae shuman made for me (I LOVE IT, JACK!). ill have my step-dads tiny old car, which i think its sorta nice. its offically mine this summer, since hes getting a new car. magz and liza's mixs will live there. and my mom will be gone every other weekend and the whole week before my birthday, meaning raff will be staying with me. i feel as though im going to learn a lot about myself this summer, as well as growing up a bit. my experience in brazil will be life-changing obviously, and i think a third summer with the girls will be what i need to let it go. ive really just found no excuse to frown the past couple of days. i like this feeling.

lanzie @ 2006-04-09T14:40:00

2006-04-09T18:53:10Z

definition of team (noun): a number of people who organized to function cooperatively as a group.

interesting, eh?

heres a grouping of other words that could be used for the word "team":
-group
-bunch
-band
-working party
-squad

now, commonly when a group of people, OR A TEAM, has to work together, wouldnt it be assumed that everyone would be involved in all decisions made? or, perhaps, consulted? OR EVEN PRESENT WHEN SUCH DECISIONS WERE MADE!?! and when such decisions were made, wouldnt it also be assumed that all things should be taken into consideration? oh, i dunno, such as convenience for everyone, instead of just, you know, half the team? or how about it everyone can even do it?!

im confused lately about this. maybe im the one whos wrong about this. maybe i shouldnt have any say in. i should just let other people make decisions for me, because clearly, my say in things has grown to not matter much.

yea guys, that must be it.

the only thing that puts a smile on my face right now is good old frank sinatra. i dont know how he does it, but he does it every time. i made an executive decision to stop sticking up for other people a few weeks ago, but i think i let it carry over to stop sticking up for myself. this is not ok, or and is not even who i am. when have i ever let people walk all over me? i was taught better - differently. i havent been speaking up as much as i should, and i do believe a change is in order. cause fuck everyone else. im not about to shrink back with only a month left. i need to leave my mark, and its not gonna happen by giving others my pride. consider this my contract to become myself again. and if you dont like it, or dont agree, or dont even understand, I . COULD . GIVE . FUCK . i probably dont like you anyway.

lanzie @ 2006-03-27T17:30:00

2006-03-27T22:33:02Z

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I NEED TO BREAK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES SO CLOSED MINDED! HE DOESNT THINK! I DOESNT ACCEPT NEW THINGS!!!! HE HATES CHANGE!!! HE DOESNT LISTEN TO ME!!!! HE DOESNT LET ME TALK!!!!! HE DOESNT REALIZE WHAT HES REALLY SAYING WHEN HE SAYS IT!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE HIM. BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I HURT. I WANT/NEED HIM HERE SO MUCH IT HURTS. NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER.

FUCK THIS.

lanzie @ 2006-03-24T10:39:00

2006-03-24T15:42:36Z

my last livejournal entry was my best one ever, i think. its going to be hard to top it.

ITS OFFICIAL!! mia allison zuccaro and ilana mae brizel are going to brazil on june 3!!! im fucking shitting myself im so excited. i cant believe im going to be in one of the hottest countries in the world with my best friend. im pumped as shit!

tonight is mark's beach house in madison, ct with the gang. it should be a nice get away. we all have a lot that we need some relief from. im loving it.

still confused. still overwhelmed. still me.

revelations part duex

2006-03-20T21:27:42Z

so i was sitting in research writing, zoning out after some bitch kid chuckled at my research paper topic (i laughed openly at his), and i started thinking about the beginning of the school year. when none of us KNEW eachother at all. when "donkey punching" was the funniest thing in the world. when we laughed often. think about it. september through december was some of the best times of our lives. we laughed whole-heartedly all the time. everything was funny. now we're comfortable enough with each other to name call, and close enough to voice honest opinions. we dont laugh as often, because we dont have to. we no longer have to make an impression, because they've already been formed. relationships between people and within the group are set. theres the reliable ones, the ditzy ones, the ones just there for entertainment, the ones that are strong and the ones that are weak. the ones that hold everything together, and the ones that float in and out. there are the ones that are open and the ones that close them selves off. the ones that speak their mind, and the ones that keep everything in. im not saying who falls into these categories, and more than one can fit for each person. but im sure you all can figure it out.

lets laugh more often, you guys. i cant remember the last time i had a really good laugh (other than when ive been high, but that doesnt count in this context). lets laugh at stupid things like donking punching and hudini's and lets laugh at other stuff, like how stupid we are sometimes. lets laugh at the drama. the way we act. the things we say. lets laugh at awkward moments and awkward people. lets laugh at the rediculous amount of weed i smoke, and maggies impressions of rya backer. lets laugh at keegans funny stories, and liza's way of finding the perfect words or phrases for every situation. we all need a little higher dose of rodney at his finest. lets just LAUGH at STUPID SHIT! every day doesnt have to be our last day living. we're too solemn, too "emo". im an actress, i dont need the extra drama. i love you all. but i love your smiles more.

slain.

2006-03-19T22:26:28Z

im good at certain things. im good at being a big sister. im good at spending money. im good at acting. im good at being a bitch. but im realizing that there are a lot of things you think you may be good at, but will mostly turn to shit. like for example, sometimes i think that if perhaps i just let something out, just a clarification, or a concern it could possibly make a difference. until lately. its times like these when i think i should just go home. who am i trying to fool? who gives a shit about what i have to say? and there are suddenly so many things about me that bother people. a laundry list of traits that push peoples buttons. things i cant control. its like a pandemic. everyones got some bug about me that i cant do anything about because, LISTEN UP WORLD, GUESS THE FUCK WHAT! THIS IS ME! im gonna tell you if something is bothering me. i dont expect you to blow it out of proportion and turn it around to tell me everything you hate about me. im not asking for it. i dont want to hear it. because your words slay me. and not the kind of slay when something isnt really funny, but you say it slays you because of the obligation to the "friend". i know that trick, i use it all the time. im talking about the slay that kills you. your words literally ripped out my heart and brought tears to my eyes. im not sure what to say to you ever again. because now that i know how you REALLY feel, its hard to look you in the eye. its hard to trust your word. has everything youve said been real? i mean, you said "its been real" but has it? i poured a lot into you, because i loved you. because i believed we connected on a certain level. because you were one of the best friends i'd ever had. and now thats it?

you baffle me. you're childish antics and irrational behavior...who does that?! who stoops to that level? its too hard to imagine not being friends with you, but its also seems as though its your way out. shows how well i knew you. stop hiding. stop pushing people out and away. stop trying to be a tough guy. stop trying to hold your own, when you know youre going to fall soon. cause i would have been there. i would have been. i would have.

lanzie @ 2006-03-16T10:53:00

2006-03-16T15:57:13Z

seriously, the backstreet boys are amazing. they are underestimated. shape of my heart is an amazing song. i love them.

last night was amazing. david was here, and we all just hung out and drank and chilled. and it was so non-drama, i loved it. mark realized we are too good to our friends and we get into trouble together a lot. i also realized that there are good guys in this world. david is such a sweet heart. i cant wait for summer number 2 spent with him and mark.

its sunny and warm today. and im getting a hair cut. what a nice day.

lanzie @ 2006-03-14T14:34:00

2006-03-14T19:37:27Z

so fuck everything i said two entries ago. its too hard to let go of the comfortable. i cant do it. the second he says "i miss you" i crumble again. so im going to let him be my comfort zone as much as i can. because i cant seem to let go. i just cant do it.

lanzie @ 2006-03-13T14:54:00

2006-03-13T19:54:53Z

i just bought the cutest flats from urban outfitters. and im in class. unce unce.

return from what seems to have been the spring break of life.

2006-03-12T21:06:21Z

it feels as good to come back as it did to go away. i think we all needed that time at home. i know i did. i went to my moms house first, and spent some time at our new house in vermont, which is SICK! its huge, and sunny and glorious. road trip in a couple weekends. but when i walked out of grand central, into New York City, MY city i almost callopsed. i was so happy. i took that first breathe of polluted dirty air and cried a little. i loved being home. esp. since i had emerson people with me practically the whole time. its like that saying i used to toil over - "where ever you run, you'll always run into yourself." i ran home, knowing i needed a break. but had emersons stay with me half way through break. emerson is me. its my life. my friends here are the best friends ive ever had. i felt as though it was physically impossible for me to be away from everyone. i love them all way too much.

however, im not saying i didnt value my alone time. while at my moms house, i slept until 3 (in my big bed that i missed soo much) every day, and drove around in my car (that i missed hot boxing like whoa). i could let my mind wander, and i was so content just sitting on my floor, collaging, or looking at pictures, or reading. i had no problem being alone. i loved it, as a matter of fact. i think next year when we all have singles, im going to take full advantage of them. there will be times when i lock the door, and relax by myself. im going to need it. and its going to be available. which will be great.

after seeing a certain someone over break, ive been thinking a lot about who i am. im too dependant on whats comfortable. im not as willing to open up to new things as i should be. i think i need to start taking care of myself, and doing what is right for me in the long run rather than doing what feels right in the moment. there are certain people that arent healthy for me to be as close to, and there are certain people that i know i can rely on. i love that fact that josh can tell me how to handle a situation with raff, and hes totally right. and i love that maggie and i can talk for ever and keep finding things that we both agree on and believe in. it a little strange, but forever amazing to me that i have found so many people that i love, who love me back. (LIZA - YOURE INCLUDED TOO BABY!). emerson = ilana happy.

finally - something i wrote while reminiscing about the amazing time i had with emersons over break (and everyone has picked it up, so i feel special):

"we're NOT perfect. we laugh too hard. we're way too loud and we make complete fools of ourselves. we're too comfortable with each other, and a little too close for comfort. our smiles are genuine, and we make our drinks too strong. but somehow we know that being together is whats going to make us last forever."

lanzie @ 2006-03-01T14:06:00

2006-03-01T19:07:59Z

if you cant trust youre closest friends and family, then who can you trust? and what basis do you have for anything regarding a relationship ever again if its tattered by the original ones.

we're a beautiful people

2006-02-26T19:48:01Z

one night stands i think are god's gift to human kind. they allow two people to interact in physical ways but without the strings attached. they're great!

in case this confuses anyone, last night i had my first one night stand. weird, perhaps, i know. but exhilerating. ceasar was his name. hot, i know. and he goes back to texas, or where ever he came from today. and i dont mind. i feel like it was a good thing for me, just to get out some frustration about raff not coming this weekend. i was left with hideous neck bruises which will not be going away any time soon. good thing i have lots of scarfs. bad thing that i hate turtle necks.

AWK weekend. probably the most awkward weekend to date. dont ask me why, i wouldnt be able to give you a solid answer. it just was. im sure many would agree. we all had our moments. we all had our ups and downs. i think thats why we all mesh so well together. all of our own issues that blend keep us different, but keep us tied. we're a beautiful people.

i cant wait for spring.

so much work. so much procrastination, leaving me SO LITTLE TIME!

auf weidasen <- my lame attempt at being like heidi klum. HA!

lanzie @ 2006-02-25T20:32:00

2006-02-26T01:32:35Z

i hate people who mess up plans. i hate outsiders who fuck things up. february is not for lovers.

april come she will. may she will stay.

2006-02-23T16:33:21Z

im doing better than the other day. i've been thinking and assessing, obviously with the help of others (one in particular, she knows who she is), and i think ive got everything pretty much figured out.

i saw a therapist this morning. i dont know if its going to be an on going thing, but it was good to get a lot off my chest, and get some feed back.

ive been let down many times this week by people i love. the pain is starting to numb. im so used to it i cant feel it anymore. im becoming immune.

i dont think that i'm afraid of myself as much as i was. im getting to a point where i can think about my actions and what i say before i do it. its more comforting.

i HATE the drama. ALWAYS fucking drama. and not just regular drama. HIGH SCHOOL drama (pun intended and not intended). people need to grow the fuck up, and get their shit together. stop making such a big deal about yourself. and learn to stand up for yourself and fight back. seriously, this lack of confidence (not esteem, CONFIDENCE) sucks. it brings others down.

i wish i could cheer up. i wish everyone would cheer up. i wish it was spring. april, come she will.