the mark of cain.
so yesterday was possibly the worst day ever. ok, maybe not the WORST, but it was pretty fucking bad. until i saw emerson people, and spoke to my favorite red head in the world.

it sucks feeling cheap and used. thats how i feel because thats what he did. there was no surprise, that was just to get me there. there was no fresh blunt, instead there was a clip the size of my pinky nail, and that got me angry. which, in turn, lit him on fire. ive never seen him that mad, and hes never yelled at me that loudly. the day ended in silence, and a cab ride back home after only an hour. and now im walking around with a huge hickey on my neck, that i can only associate with being like the mark of cain. why do i continue to see this kid, if im always getting hurt? why cant i take the advice of my best friends, and why cant i see what they see? jesus, this kid has only brought me trouble. and i know he doesnt care about me as much as i care about him, which makes me feel used.

i think this summer, i wont be with him, cause we were going to be together for the summer. i think this summer i need to surround myself with my rye girls, emersonians, and the occasional moe hoe. ill see kyle, and ill see matt. i dont have to dwell on past relationships (raff, and others included) to pretend to be happy. i know what and who makes me happy, and thats what im going to do and who im going to see. i have no problem sitting in my room, smoking a blunt and listening to music by myself. i have no problem going up to vermont for a weekend by myself, or with some other fun kids. i dont have to be around people who used to make me happy, because i think that maybe they still will, or even can. im a new person after my freshman year. i listen to new music, and i like new things. i know people like tillie and blair will walk into my room and see my posters up and make fun of me. or they'll try to play music on my computer or ipod and ask what kinda shit i have on there. ill laugh in there faces. i dont need their approval anymore. i dont need his approval anymore. im so content with who i have become that i just say fuck it. who are they anyway? quite frankly, i dont think ill have them over as much anyway. my summer buddies are definately mia and julia, my emersons, and obviously mark.

it still hasnt hit me that its actually summer. but ill get used to it when everyone else gets home. and ill be able to start fresh. once this mark of cain on my neck goes away, i can look at myself and smile.