Current mood:	content
Current music:	happier - guster

return from what seems to have been the spring break of life.
it feels as good to come back as it did to go away. i think we all needed that time at home. i know i did. i went to my moms house first, and spent some time at our new house in vermont, which is SICK! its huge, and sunny and glorious. road trip in a couple weekends. but when i walked out of grand central, into New York City, MY city i almost callopsed. i was so happy. i took that first breathe of polluted dirty air and cried a little. i loved being home. esp. since i had emerson people with me practically the whole time. its like that saying i used to toil over - "where ever you run, you'll always run into yourself." i ran home, knowing i needed a break. but had emersons stay with me half way through break. emerson is me. its my life. my friends here are the best friends ive ever had. i felt as though it was physically impossible for me to be away from everyone. i love them all way too much.

however, im not saying i didnt value my alone time. while at my moms house, i slept until 3 (in my big bed that i missed soo much) every day, and drove around in my car (that i missed hot boxing like whoa). i could let my mind wander, and i was so content just sitting on my floor, collaging, or looking at pictures, or reading. i had no problem being alone. i loved it, as a matter of fact. i think next year when we all have singles, im going to take full advantage of them. there will be times when i lock the door, and relax by myself. im going to need it. and its going to be available. which will be great.

after seeing a certain someone over break, ive been thinking a lot about who i am. im too dependant on whats comfortable. im not as willing to open up to new things as i should be. i think i need to start taking care of myself, and doing what is right for me in the long run rather than doing what feels right in the moment. there are certain people that arent healthy for me to be as close to, and there are certain people that i know i can rely on. i love that fact that josh can tell me how to handle a situation with raff, and hes totally right. and i love that maggie and i can talk for ever and keep finding things that we both agree on and believe in. it a little strange, but forever amazing to me that i have found so many people that i love, who love me back. (LIZA - YOURE INCLUDED TOO BABY!). emerson = ilana happy.

finally - something i wrote while reminiscing about the amazing time i had with emersons over break (and everyone has picked it up, so i feel special):

"we're NOT perfect. we laugh too hard. we're way too loud and we make complete fools of ourselves. we're too comfortable with each other, and a little too close for comfort. our smiles are genuine, and we make our drinks too strong. but somehow we know that being together is whats going to make us last forever."